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Bad Eyes, Good Teeth

Constant journey of discovery this. Saw two doctors in one day.

First came a trip to the opticians. He dripped some liquid in my eyes to dilate my pupils and then told me I’m red/green color blind, short sighted at dusk and have a two opposing astigmatisms, which was very rare and something he’d never seen before.

“I always thought I had the eyes of a wise and lovable Beagle,” I said.

He laughed.

The Bear Necessities

Went camping in the Sierras at Sequoia National Park. 

We knew we had found somewhere special when Jenny had to swerve to avoid crushing a tarantula crossing the road. It was moving at a real clip, front legs arched in the air like a villain from a silent film.

My head had been in the maps and when we swerved she also screamed. For a brief moment I thought we’d hit something or were about to fly off the edge of the cliff down into the drought dry Kaweah river but she braked hard.

Been on Holiday.

But I'm back now.

Went to New York City. Wonderful place of course, but it's very fecal in the summer. I could even smell it through a strange and persistently heavy flu that disordered my senses for a whole week like a fat lazy poltergeist.

Started to explore the local vineyards. Very glad to not have my driving license yet so I can maintain my role as the designated drinker.

“Wine for the Cyclops!”

Took up an exciting new sport. Boogie Boarding. It's Surfing for the unskilled. It's a blast.

We went down to P.B. at high tide, next to Crystal Pier where we last saw some dolphins, and ran into the water with our new boards, the sun making everything golden, palm trees waving in jubilation, a true Californian baptism... 

The waves began breaking and rolling over my head. By watching the surfers around us we picked up some handy techniques, like how to dive in under a wave as it swells up just so and thus miss its powerful push. 

Got to be careful over here. Living outside my birth tribe. It's easy to fall into the trap of either representing everything English or defending everything English.

It a mind trap. A tricky one. 'I am an individual and citizen of the world' is the spell one must conjure in the mind cauldron.

If you don't you can find yourself being drawn/pushed into all kinds of bizarre corners and conversations where people think you care about the War of Independence, the arrival of the Beckhams in LA, the Queen, the world image of British Dentistry...

Yes I am from England but I don't feel homesick when I see a pair of union jack swimming trunks on the beach. I like the Beatles but I don't let myself claim any reflected glory from the wonder that is 'Revolver'.

Went out to the desert, the Mojave. Camped a night in Joshua Tree at Indian Cove. Great place, like being in a Road Runner cartoon. Red and orange rocks throwing crazy impossible shapes every which way, Coyotes howling in the distance, plants straight out of Dr Seuss books. I made a fire so we could roast marshmallows. Barely had to do anything, just showed the wood the matches and it burst in to flames. 

I'm not worried really, but working on campus at an American University after another student lead gun massacre has made me mentally role play my own response should I ever have to deal with a shooter.

My strategy is simple. I intend to hide under a table.

My mailbox has been dressed up like the little robot from Star Wars.

It's OK, I called up Lance Armstrong and he assured me it will still work as a mailbox.

"How did you get my number?" he said.

"That's not important," I said, "Just tell me my manuscripts will still get to New York or I'll have your other ball..."

"Of course they will, as long as you've attached the correct postage."

"Is that a threat?"

I did my best ever dive today. It was a low angled alligator affair, plunging into the water at about 35 degrees.

How do I know it was so good? The water remained smooth and flat, there were none of my usual splash marks on the sun loungers/ local buildings and several hummingbirds hovered in appreciation above the flowering Yucaipa grass.