I've never won anything from a cracker I didn't immediately wish I didn't have
A ring with a fake ruby
A spinning top that doesn't work
A lump of blue plastic badly molded into the shape
Of a watch/carriage/horse/cow/panther/famous landmark
And the jokes
What level of mind is supposed to find them funny?
Of course, they say it's all in the delivery
These days,
Whenever I'm forced to read them out,
At the festive table,
I've started pretending that strange and hideous things are written there
Like: 'You will contract aids from a needle hidden in cake... make - LEMON-AIDS!'
Or: 'What do you call the symphony of shit and piss that runs through every city - a BOWEL MOVEMENT!'
That'll show them.
The cracker buying people.
Of course I'll wear the tissue paper hat.
I'LL WEAR EIGHT OF THEM AT ONCE!
Now I'm really having fun...
I do like the little plastic frogs though
I'm quite partial to those little fellas
You press down on the back of them
And make them jump into grandma's hair
As she sleeps off the turkey.
Oh please,
Let me win a frog!
